Many people have come to hate marriage. Some who are married, or have been married before, hate marriage, and others who are not yet married come to hate the institution of marriage when they see or hear of the suffering of those who are married.
Many people see marriage as a galling yoke that brings great suffering to those who choose to engage in it. And the truth is, the majority of marriages are not happy.
"There is not one marriage in one hundred that results happily, that bears the sanction of God, and places the parties in a position better to glorify Him. The evil consequences of poor marriages are numberless. They are contracted from impulse." — Ellen White
Most people are miserable in their marriages, resigned to their fates. They stay together out of fear of the Lord, since He hates divorce; others stay to maintain a good appearance in society, to raise their children, or to keep their finances intact—but not because they are happy. These people look at marriage as a curse.
How is it that something promised to be so beautiful has become such a source of misery for many?
Before we go further, let's look at what marriage is and how it's supposed to be:
Genesis 2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."
Marriage is the union of one man and one woman. They are supposed to leave behind their former ways and lives and become one with each other—one in purpose and life. Just as a sports team has players who play in different positions but share one purpose—to win together—as long as each person plays their role and fulfills their obligations, the marriage will be a success.
What are some of the roles and obligations that make marriage a success?
- Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
- Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it.
- Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
- However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
- 1 Corinthians 7:5 (CEV): "So don't refuse sex to each other, unless you agree not to have sex for a little while, in order to spend time in prayer. Then Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
The King James Version says, "do not defraud." Defraud stresses depriving someone of his or her rights and usually connotes a deliberate perversion of the truth (Online Dictionary).
These are some of the roles and obligations that, if kept, would make marriages beautiful. But lo and behold, these are not what many people experience. Marriage, for many, is a living hell.
Why is marriage a living hell for many? The answer is selfishness.
Selfishness is the problem. People promise to love, to respect, and to give, but once the initial honeymoon period is over, their focus turns inward: How am I feeling? What am I not getting? It is no longer about becoming one, or about "you belong to me and I belong to you." Marriage exposes the selfishness deep within the human heart. A man may know what his wife wants and how to treat her, but he will not do it because he doesn't feel like it. A woman may know what pleases her husband, but she will not do it for whatever reason. As we refrain from living to please each other, misery increases. Some people may seek to communicate about it, and some may hear and make the effort to change; but many continue in their selfish ways, and the marriage soon becomes a living hell. At some point, an individual may stop talking about it altogether because they have checked out of the marriage, and their hatred for marriage grows.
This is the stage when the temptation to commit adultery or get a divorce becomes strong. The person has been defrauded of love, respect, and affection, and Satan seeks to tempt them to hate marriage and search for fulfillment elsewhere.
But friends, the problem was never marriage itself. Marriage itself is beautiful. Marriage is about living for one another and seeking to make life a blessing for each other. But the selfish heart will not allow it. The selfish heart is only concerned with its own needs, feelings, and desires; it will defraud the other spouse constantly and then express shock when a bill of divorce arrives. The Lord hates divorce, but He permitted it because of the hardness of human hearts.
How is a hard heart demonstrated?
- A man who refuses to love his wife
- A wife who refuses to respect her husband
- A man who is bitter toward his wife
- Spouses who defraud each other of their marital rights
Such behaviors demonstrate clearly that the Spirit of the Lord is not in their hearts. Self is still in charge, and where self reigns, misery surely follows. Marriage is supposed to be a graveyard for the self; if the couple involved refuses to allow self to die, then marriage is not the problem—selfishness is.
Satan is wise. He seeks to bring contempt upon God's institutions. He influences couples to remain selfish and defraud each other, and then points to the institution of marriage as the source of the problem. People then begin to hate marriage, which makes options like adultery, divorce, cohabitation without marriage, or seeking out prostitutes appear appealing.
Don't hate marriage! It is not the problem. If you must hate something, hate selfishness—the selfishness in your own heart and the selfishness in the heart of your spouse. If you have a good marriage with no area of suffering, praise the Lord. But if you are suffering, remember that you are suffering because of selfishness. Adultery and divorce are not the solutions. Pray for God to change your heart so that you may love your spouse despite his or her hardness of heart, and pray for your own heart so that the Lord may transform it into a heart of love.
When you sacrifice for your spouse despite their hardness of heart, you become like God—giving to one who withholdeth, and loving one who is selfish. Marriage for your spouse will become a blessing, and as long as one person sees marriage as a blessing, you are fulfilling your mission to glorify God. You have convinced at least one soul that marriage is beautiful, and the testimony of this one soul can change the perspective of others.
In this life, you will suffer tribulation—even in marriage—but be of good cheer: Christ has overcome the world. Be faithful to Him, persevere in doing right in your marriage, pray for your heart, and treat your spouse right, even if the same is not returned.
Don't hate marriage; hate selfishness. Don't destroy your marriage; destroy the selfishness within.
